If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
