Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
