mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
