My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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