need another drink. this is the easiest way
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
