I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
