Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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