She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
