i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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