It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
