life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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