I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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