You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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