A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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