dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I won the penis lottery.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
