he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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