Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
