drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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