we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
