So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
