Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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