I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Randomize
