I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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