Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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