Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
