Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
