Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
