halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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