Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
