i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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