I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He felt like a one man threesome
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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