Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
