My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
