Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She's the barista slut.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
