Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
