My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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