biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
