...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
