it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My bed smells like the plague
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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