A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
