My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
