i would punch a child for taco bell
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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