ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
