Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
