I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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