My friends, they love my intelligence
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
