I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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