She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
