so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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