I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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