Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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