the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Damn victory sex feels great
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
